A Friend Who Is as Your Own Soul
“Made for Friendship” — Chapter Four Reflection
My father worked for the U.S. Forest Service during my growing up years. As a result, he was transferred often. The twelfth move landed us in Oregon City when I was in 6th grade. I was at an age when friends were important, and I missed friends from the previous community where we had lived. Additionally, since I was the new kid, I was teased and bullied without mercy. One day walking home from school I happened to see a scuffle taking place between an acquaintance’s younger brother and another boy. Without touching either boy I was able to talk them out of the tiff and send them on their way. The next day the “acquaintance” told me never to touch his brother again. I explained that I didn’t touch him, but that didn’t stop him from beating me up. The peacemaker needed a friend.
How does one identify a friend? What are the marks of a true friend? Drew Hunter, the author of Made For Friendship, identifies six ingredients for a recipe for friendship.
1. He Loved Him as His Own Soul
“Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend...” (Proverbs 27:9)
Firstly, for there to be friendship there should be joy and affection.
I am a fan of C.S. Lewis, author of The Chronicles of Narnia, and J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Lord of Rings. Both were members of an ad hoc literary group of friends named the “Inklings” at the University of Oxford. Hunter quotes in part C.S. Lewis’s description of the joy and earnest closeness associated with the Inkling’s gatherings:
“Those are the golden sessions…when our slippers are on, our feet spread out towards the blaze and our drinks at our elbows; when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk…at the same time an Affection mellowed by the years enfolds us. Life-natural life-has no better gift to give.”
In the Old Testament Jonathan loved David as himself (1Sam. 18:1 & 1 Sam. 20:17). And at Jonathan’s death David’s spirit cried out, so deeply hurt “I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.” (2 Sam. 2:26) The closeness, expression, and depth of love between Jonathan and David is difficult and uncomfortable for modern day readers. But as C.S. Lewis pointed out “On a broad historical view it is, of course not the demonstrative gestures of friendship among our ancestors but the absence of such gestures in our own society that call for some special explanation.” “We need “to recapture something of this deeply felt and sincerely expressed bond of love” (pg 82).
2. Covenantal Friendship vs. Consumer Friendship
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17)
Secondly, for there to be friendship there should be faithfulness.
At the highest level of modern statecraft, friendship can be duplicitous at best. Winston Churchill awakened on July 22, 1941, to news Hitler had invaded its ally, Russia, along an 1800-mile front, with 3,000,000 soldiers and equipment. The Soviet Union, duped by the Nazi regime, turned its allegiance to Britain for a “new” friendship. Then of course, at the end of World War II the Soviet Union turned against the allies, pursuing its own interests resulting in the Cold War. Consumer friendship at its worst.
Conversely, at the highest level of ancient statecraft in the Old Testament, during a particularly critical time for the House of David, Jonathan made a covenant holding “David’s enemies to account.” And had “David reaffirmed his oath out of love for him” (1 Sam. 20:16-17).
“No friendship can last without loyalty. If there is a code of friendship, it is surely this: Never let a pal down (pg 83).”
3. Giving a Clear View
“If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin”
(1 John 1:7)
Thirdly, for there to be friendship there should be transparency.
For love to flourish within a relationship each person needs to feel both safe to be themselves, and honest about who they are. “True friends walk in the light together. As we confess our sins to God and others, we find real forgiveness and true fellowship (I John 1:6-7).
This is because God’s grace doesn’t just clean us but creates an atmosphere of safety among fellow sinners. If God loved us while we were still sinners, and if he still loves us while we are still sinners, then we can be honest about who we really are.” Casting self aside, “we open up to trusted friends, and they don’t shrink back but move closer, that’s when friendship gets traction (pg 86).”
4. The Rarest Jewel in Friendship
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy (Proverbs 27:5-6).
Fourthly, for there to be friendship there should be honesty.
Sheldon Vanauken lost the love of his life (Davy) in 1955. Sheldon and Davy had both come to belief in Christ through the influence and friendship of C.S. Lewis. The friendship between C.S. Lewis and the Vanaukens’ was forged and folded into the years preceding her death and continued between Lewis and Vanauken beyond her death. Lewis wrote to Sheldon after Davy’s death, “One way or another the thing had to die. Perpetual spring-time is not allowed. You were not cutting the wood of life according to the grain. There are various possible ways in which it could have died tho’ both the parties went on living. You have been treated with a severe mercy.”
Vanauken’s response to Lewis’s letter: “After this severe and splendid letter I loved Lewis like a brother. A brother and father combined.” Indeed, Sheldon penned an autobiography of he and Davy’s love titled A Severe Mercy.
“We honor our friends when we make affirmation the norm, not critique. Wisely placed criticism lands softly on the padding of several dozen encouragements laid down in previous months. A friendship filled with affirmation helps it to absorb occasional correction” (pg 88).
5. Seeing Through Their Eyes
“Empathy, the fifth mark of friendship, is the ability to understand and adjust to someone’s emotional state” (pg 89).
We cannot hope to have meaningful and lasting firendships with anyone if we do not take the time understand them and empathize with them, both through times of difficulty and in great joy.
6. The Foundation of Friendship
“A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” (Proverbs 16:28)
Finally, the sixth ingredient for there to be friendship is trust.
Trust of course is crucial when it comes to friendship. In many ways it is the glue that holds together all of the previous attributes that are necessary for great friendships.
The Peacemaker Finds a Friend
We moved from Oregon City to Canby in 1970, a year after the beating I talked about at the beginning of this article. I came to learn that a boy my age named Jerry lived a short distance down the lane, so one afternoon I stopped in and introduced myself. The ensuing friendship with him and his family has remained all these years.
Fond memories spring to mind surrounding the moments I spent with Jerry and his family. Recollections such as the adventure at their beach cabin which was perched high on a hill above Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp featuring an amazing view of the Pacific Ocean. Or the many worship services and church outings, including trips to Pietro's Pizza Parlor after Sunday services and caroling with the youth group during the Christmas season.
Then there was the incident when Jerry and I ignored his parents’ instruction not to drive owing to black ice and ended up wrecking his dad's Ford Bronco. We were unscathed…the Bronco… not so much. I attended Canby Christian Church with them and still do. In a sense they introduced me to a young lady (Carol) who also attended the church and became my wife and best friend forty-seven years ago.
Roy, Jerry’s father, past on July 20, 2020 as his soul took wing, flying to his Savior. Thank you, Roy, Pug, Jerry, and Susie Sparks, for modeling friendship, family, companionship, and commitment. What great examples they were of friends marked by joy, faithfulness, transparency, honesty, empathy, and trust.
